The Hogwarts Gossiper: The Satisfaction of Love
by bumb1eBee
Summary: I'm the Hogwarts Gossiper, you've finally found the column everyone's been talking about! Where the hell have you been? And remember, I'll never tell you who I am! : ) SBAM fic (Who the hell are they? Yep, just get IN)


**Chocolate Cake and American Pie  
**

James Potter dared to lift his head from his thick Potions textbook, letting his eyes wander to the side to find grave, staid, Lily Evans flipping through her own copy of the _Forces of Potions_ rewritten by Stanley Smirnoff.

"Studious Lily," James snorted, watching as she ran her long fingernails along the page she was open to, listening to the hollow noise erupting from underneath her fingertips, "since when are you so effing serious?" He wondered aloud, causing a few students to perk up and glare at the stupid bastard that was interrupting their last-minute cramming time.

Remus Lupin hesitantly glanced up from his own book and shook his head, gesturing James to shut the hell up. "Since she realized NEWTS was coming really soon and her parents would beat the shit out of her if she failed." James shrugged, turning a page in his book even though he wasn't done reading it yet.

"Yeah but, Lily won't fail. She's already binded a legal record with all our professors stating that she _had_ to ace these tests otherwise she'd kill them and herself." He smirked evilly, chuckling softly to himself as Lily hummed impatiently.

"I might just have to kill you, James," Lily murmured in a groggy voice. James smirked. "After you shagged me one last time, right?" Lily ignored him, digging her nose deeper into her book until the little words were just a blur. "That's fucking nasty." Sirius Black piped up, sitting awkwardly at the table without any studying materials.

Remus cocked an eyebrow. "When did you get here? And where are your books—aren't you going to study?" Sirius let out a long exasperated sigh before stretching and letting out an infuriating long yawn. "It's five frigging thirty in the morning," Sirius cried, tossing up his middle finger in reply to all the irritated _shhhh!_es he was receiving.

He lowered in voice just for the hell of it. "How can you all be awake at this hour—readying that bullshit for this stupid test." He shrugged, whipping out a plastic case that held a thick chocolate cake that oozed creamy chocolate with shredded pieces of white chocolate on top.

"How was breakfast?" He wondered aloud, tearing open the case and stabbing at his cake with a black plastic fork. "Didn't have any," They all muttered in unison. Sirius shook out his scruffy black hair that was a big turn on to all the girls, he noticed. So they liked shaggy, messy hair but they were _totally grossed out_ by dirty guys? Wasn't that the same bloody thing?

"_Damn_," Sirius croaked, enjoying the taste of his precious cake. Mmm, his taste buds were having a frigging _orgasm_! – _Thank you, Mrs. Potter, for those lovely care packages you sent James, Remus, and me every month, _he thought happily.

Sirius's friends were being seriously gay. Wouldn't they rather hit a Gryffindor party rather than sitting in the library for the rest of their lives, studying for a lame test? It was Sunday morning for goodness sake! There were so many opportunities and chances to _see_ things in a different way.

Not that Sirius was honestly considering those philosophical options. He'd much rather sleep in bed all day—and what else could make a Sunday morning better than a hot girl to fool around with all frigging day long?

As if answered by the Lord himself, a strong wave of the spicy yet sweet ocean flooded his into his nostrils and he dropped his fork, whirling himself around in his seat. His dark eyes fell upon a petite figure with startling, blue eyes and shiny blonde hair. She was smiling for no apparent reason that Sirius could see from where he sat, but it just made her seem so much more fun and confident.

"Anna Merichery? What a pleasant surprise! We weren't expected you for a few days but you've come just in time to get a head start on your NEWTS. Of course, you won't be taking them until late May but it's best to be prepared, isn't it?" Professor Ginelli, the bouncy little librarian with big black spectacles, chirped, finding an empty table for Anna.

Sirius rested his back against the table, watching her smile thankfully at Professor Ginelli who explained all the guidelines of Hogwarts's library and how to take out books, etc, etc. As soon as the librarian Sirius swore was on drugs frolicked away, Sirius stood up, brushing off the chocolate crumbs on his black wife beater and stuffing his hands into his baggy jeans as he approached Anna at her quiet little table.

"Hey," Sirius said in the sexiest voice he could muster. Anna looked up to meet his eyes and was taken aback by his handsome, rugged self. "Hi," She breathed softly, taking the hand Sirius offered and watched as the handsome mystery man found himself a seat next to her.

"So you're new here, right? It's a little freaky at first but then it's really cool, you'll see." Sirius said, resting his folding hands on top of the green marbled library tables. "Well then, you should be the one to make sure I find my way around the school." She replied harmlessly, speaking a clear American accent.

Hmm…_interesting_. So she was an exchanged student—"from the States." Anna had explained once they were in a deep conversation about each other. "My parents divorced last year because my dad realized he was, well, gay so he ran away with this really good-looking Italian guy who was seriously rich, so of course my mom was furious." She ran her perfectly manicured finger along the ridges of her milkshake glass, chewing lightly on her bottom lip.

"Italy seemed like a far better place to live than America," She said, smiling at him, "so I decided to live with my dad and his new boyfriend, Giorgio." Sirius shook his head. "So why are you living here in England? And how did you find about Hogwarts?"

Anna shrugged. "I went to a Witchcraft and Wizardry school back in New Jersey and when they found out I was leaving, they recommended Hogwarts." She sipped her drink and the perked up. "Oh, and I'm living in England just for this year, my dad agreed to move to England with me for this year so I can finish school."

She tapped her fingers on the edge of the table, sighing. "Then, I guess its Italy for college." She stared at him. "Are you going to college?" Sirius hadn't really thought about college. In fact, he wasn't even thinking about taking the NEWTS. But you didn't need to take the NEWTS to get into a non-magic school, right? Maybe he could move to Italy with Anna and feed each other bread and wine all day long while lying out in the sun, roasting. "Definitely." Sirius said finally.

"Isn't it still Hogsmead weekend?" Lily wondered aloud during lunch later that day after Sirius had told all his friends about his encounter with gorgeous Anna. "Yeah, you should take her to Hogsmead and show her around," Remus said, chewing through a thick piece of bread and butter. James chugged down his butter beer, setting down his glass and peering around the Great Hall.

"Sorry, Sirius, but I don't see your golden girl anywhere. D'you think she got lost?" Lily cut into her steak and chewed it viciously, "If she's really as beautiful as you're saying, a jealous girl must've hexed her and threw her into a bathroom farthest away from here."

James laughed, nearly choking on his lunch. "I hope she made it through classes all right." Sirius said, looking seriously concerned. "Woah," James said blankly. "Do you love her or something?" Sirius furrowed his dark eyebrows, shaking his head. "I just met her asshole." He said, standing up when he saw the doors of the Great Hall burst open.

Anna Merichery trampled into the Great Hall, her cheeks pink and her hair windblown from the freezing December air. She let out a thick breath of air and sighed, thankful that she made it back inside.

She had decided to take a walk along the courtyard since the frozen lake looked so pretty from where she sat in the girl's dormitory. That quickly turned out to be a bad, bad idea, though. She found herself lost inside a vast forest and it seemed that more she tried to escape; the deeper she was lodged into the dark forest.

A thick tear in her black stocking ran from her thigh to her shin but she still managed to look trés fabulous. Her black shoes _click clock_ed along the tiled floor as she made her way around the room, searching for the Ravenclaw table.

All eyes were on her, she knew, so she felt extremely awkward in her flimsy black dress and white blouse where the top button was missing when an obnoxious branch had snapped it off. The eerily silent room suddenly exploded into whispers and gossip and she finally found the table she had been eagerly searching for.

"I'm guessing that's your dame?" James said, pointing at girl who had just seated herself at the Ravenclaw table where a dozen boys had just trampled over her, screaming questions at her. Sirius hurriedly smacked at Jame's hand, nodding. "Don't point—and she's not French, jackass, she's _American_."

Anna raised her eyes from the flock of love struck boys and fluttered her little fingers in a wave when she spotted Sirius in a wave of Gryffindor students who struck Sirius an evil glare when they realized who the mysterious blonde was waving happily to.

"I heard that she had to move from her other school in NJ because she got kicked out after breaking three beds her school had spared her while doing the nasty with every guy in school."

Janie Summers said in a hushed tone to the brunette beside her who, of course, passed it on. Wow…every guy in school? She must have been busy, then.

"Hey, Sirius," James said, catching him in the hallway during 6th period which was always a studying hour. "I hear your little girlfriend has STDs, had slept with everyone in her old school back in Utah, and even hit on her older stepbrother and tried to fuck him too." He grinned in response to Sirius's startled look. "What'ya think? Pretty busy girl, huh?" Oh yes, very busy_ indeed_…

Anna forced her middle finger down her throat as far as it could go and waited anxiously as her tonsils contracted and she vomited her lunch all over the toilet seat. It was a dirty habit, she knew, but how else could she keep off all the weight when junk food was her absolute favorite?

She wiped the spittle off her mouth with toilet paper and sighed, flushing the toilet. She heard the bathroom door burst open as she could to her feet and she peered out of the stall to see who entered.

A very pretty redheaded girl wandered inside with a skinny, very fragile girl with black hair. They stopped in front of the mirror and leaned over, gagging at their reflection and complaining about how fat they were and how they probably gained like 7 pounds because they had a bite of the muffin at breakfast.

"So did you see the new American girl?" The girl with black hair asked her friend, smearing off enough lip gloss to ski over. Anna was just about to leave her stall, too. Instead, she stopped dead where she was and eavesdropped, eager to hear about everyone's impression of her so far.

The redhead rolled her eyes, turned her back to the mirror and pushing herself up against the counter so she was sitting next to the sink. "Ugh, yes. 'Tramp' in written all over her outfit. Doesn't she know she had to wear the signature robes? It's the frigging rules." The girl with black hair (who we'll call Minnie, I mean, that's her name after all and my fingers hurt from writing out 'the girl with the hair') smirked, smacking her lips together. "I bet she slept with the headmaster or something. Since when does Hogwarts allow any Americans anyway?"

The gorgeous redhead, Claire Mahogany sighed. "I heard that her prissy dad filed a lawsuit against the school, threatening to spill the news about magic to every muggle in the world or something. Like, isn't discrimination if you don't allow someone in school because of their nationality?"

Anna stumbled against the brick wall and folded her arms, seriously stunned. Where the hell were they getting all these rumors from? Her lower lip quivered and her eyelashes suddenly felt heavy like they always did when she was going to break down and cry. She sniffled softly, determined not to let them hear. She wouldn't cry because of the harmless rumors, she decided. She'd just have to beat them off. They'd wear off sooner or later, right? I mean, no one can gossip forever…

Oh, how wrong you are sweetie.

Sirius wandered outside with James and Remus (Lily insisted she had more studying to do for NEWTS so she scurried up to her dorm), tracing along the cobblestone path set out along the schoolyard, inching their way over the thin layers of ice that spread over like a carpet.

"Isn't that Anna?" Remus said, gesturing towards the blonde sitting on a small wrought fence bending along the west side of the lake. "I think so." Sirius said, squinting his eyes to get a better look. Plush red lips, sparkling blue eyes, windblown sunny hair—yes, it was definitely Anna.

"I'm going to go talk to her, okay? You guys chill over there somewhere." He threw his thumb in the opposite direction of where he was running as he hurried up to the white fence. Anna spotted him hurrying over to him and she smiled wearily, beckoning him over as he slowed unsurely.

She sucked in cold air as he found seat on the fence right beside her. "I suppose you've heard all those awful rumors about me." She said suddenly, turning to look at him. Sirius shrugged, he was usually bad at talking about serious stuff like this.

"Uh huh…Are they true?" He asked curiously. He hoped that she wouldn't take the question the wrong way. "What do you think?" She murmured, watching her breath fly away in a small cloud. "I don't think they're true." He said honestly and she smirked. "Good." She said, turning her head the other way so she could get a glimpse of the area.

"Where is everyone?" Anna wondered, realizing the sudden vacant ness of the grounds. "Hogsmead, most probably." Sirius said, yawning. Anna smiled. "Where's that?" She asked, sounding quite interested. "It's close by here—just a small town with shops and bars…um, every other weekend we're aloud to leave campus and go there. I guess this is one of the weeks."

Anna nodded. "So you don't like to go?" She asked curiously. Sirius shrugged. "I go a lot but after a few times, you just get sick of it." Anna rubbed her hand through her gloves and shook her head. "I'd really love to go. Could you take me? Please?" Sirius felt his cheeks warm as she stared at him pleadingly. You just couldn't say no to Anna Merichery.

"Sure," Sirius said, jumping off the fence and brushing the dirt off his ass. Anna smiled happily, hopping off as well and gathering the thick scarf she had been sitting on. She shook it out and then wrapped it around her cold neck.

They began walking towards the Hogsmead route, so close that their arms rubbed against each other with each step they took. Anna pulled her Burberry coat around her tightly and inhaled the spicy winter air. "Christmas is in a few days." Anna remembered, feeling joyful and perky. The holiday season always made her feel like that.

"So what kind of stores are in Hogsmead?" She asked as they inched closer towards the town. Sirius stopped to think. "Candy shops, clothes stores, pubs…anything and everything. It's swarming with tourists and students so we'll have to stay extra close." Smooth, Sirius_, really_ smooth.

"Okay." Anna breathed, enjoying the scented air splash across her face. There was a broad smile playing across her lips as they entered the town. People of all colors and sizes ushered back and forth, entering and exiting each and every store. The town buzzed with excitement and Anna just wanted to scream and cartwheel in the snow.

"Where to, madam?" Sirius said in a horrible French accent, holding out a hand to her. She placed her gloved hand on top of his, giggling softly. "Hmm, how about the candy shop?" She patted her stomach as he led her through the street. "I'm starving."

Claire Mahogany shook out her auburn curls and sighed, sitting over a nice big mug of hot cocoa with her best friends in the world, Minnie Perez and Janie Summers. "More marshmallows, miss?" A busboy that had been totally scoping her out this whole time approached her, hovering mini marshmallows above her mug.

"Yeah, okay," She agreed, watching the white blobs dip into her sea of chocolate, bobbing to the surface and slowly melting in a gooey mess. Claire fumbled with the head of her half eaten candy cane and used it as a spoon to stir her cocoa.

"Kyle told me he loved me!" Janie squealed, kicking her leg against the table's leg in the process. The table shook with a jolt and Claire's hot cocoa erupted all over her new cashmere sweater. Claire swallowed down the fierce scream she felt bubbling in her throat.

She shot up from her seat and swiped off the dripping mess on her front. She glared down at Janie, shaking her head angrily, her loose curls bopping around her head. "Yeah—and he was frigging baked when he said it!" Minnie nodded in agreement, chewing on her thumbnail nervously. "Kyle, like, has a serious problem with pot, Janie, you should talk him out of it."

Janie was on the verge of tears. She had just sent stainable cocoa splattering all over Claire's best sweater and now her friends were calling the love of her life a pothead. "Oh and just expect him to quit cold turkey? Yeah right, you guys, pot it addictive."

Claire snatched the napkins from the busboy's trembling hands and dabbed angrily at her shirt, grimacing at the big fat stain on the center of her left boob. "What the hell Janie—be fucking careful when you want to squeal around like a fucking pig."

Before Minnie could say anything in concurrence and send Janie into a set of miserable tears, the doors swung open and Sirius Black strolled in with that new whore from America. Sirius had just broken up with Claire—_no one_ broke up with Claire. She couldn't believe he had tore her off his arm and told her to get lost because she was too _needy_.

Pah! Needy?

Sure, she'd call him various times a day, text messaging him, and scoping him out in class but that didn't frigging mean she was _needy._ She was just…caring. Committed. At least she wasn't a filthy slut that got kicked out of a school in Kansas City because she 'sexually assaulted the principal' like that blonde bitch on his arm right now.

"What do you want? A fizzing whizbee, a mug of butterbeer, some of Bernie Bott's every flavor jelly beans?" Anna thought of her choices, gazing over the long menu on the back wall that fell from the ceiling to the floor. "Now, I don't want Bernie to disappoint me," Anna said, smirking as she bought a box of jelly beans. "When they say every flavor—do they really mean _every_ flavor?"

Sirius grinned, nodding his head. "Yep. Here," He whisked out his wand from his back pocket and muttered a phrase, watching as the box leapt out of Anna's hands, whirling magically into a long list of flavors that suspended from dome-shaped ceiling all the to the entrance of the store.

"What would you like, miss?" He asked professionally, tapping his wand against some peculiar flavors he personally would never try. "Hmm…coconut?" She said, peering anxiously over the list. Sirius banged his wand against the word '_COCONUT_' then hesitated. "Coconut smoothie, coconut truffle, coconut sherbet, coconut yogurt, coconut cheese, coconut juice, or just plain old coconut?" He read from the list, looking up at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Wow." She breathed, leaning against her hand. "They really _do_ have every flavor." She licked her lips, suddenly extremely hungry. Of course you're hungry, hunny, you just through up everything in your stomach. "I'll take that yummy coconut truffle." She said, watching delightedly as Sirius banged his wand against the word '_COCONUT TRUFFLE'. _The list rumbled slightly and a busboy that was nearby flinched, dashing for a big blue bowl and nearly throwing it in the center of their table just in time as hundreds of little brown jelly beans fell from the midair.

"Cena è servita, signora1." Sirius said in a miserable Italian accent. Anna giggled, leaning out of her chair as he plucked a little jelly bean from the bowl and bit it in half. She inspected the white, crusty, coconut-like middle as she chewed down the delicious bite of jelly bean. It amazed Anna how much this little thing reminded her of her grandmother's infamous truffles. "Bien, vous remercier monsieur2." She said, still giggling.

Sirius watched her pull her loose ponytail to the side of her head, picking at her split ends. "Was that a different language? Not Italian." Sirius pointed out and she looked up, smiling. "It was French. I speak it fluently." Sirius was impressed. "So you speak English, French, and Italian all fluently?" Anna nodded, a soft blush creeping up on her cheeks. "And a bit of Spanish—but that's thanks to an hour of Spanish class everyday back in boarding school."

Wasn't this girl something?

Claire didn't think so. Why the hell was she still frigging giggling? She sounded like one of those _My Little Pony Dolls_ that her stupid cousin, Kacee watched every day on TV because she was a stupid muggle who didn't understand anything in life.

"Claire Bear—you're getting all heated up in the face." Jeffrey Milestone, Claire's newest boyfriend (just to get over Sirius and make him jealous, of course—she still wasn't _over_ Sirius so that's why she insisted that she and Jeffrey only have sex twice a week since she _was_, in fact, using him) hugged her from behind, peering around her cheek and frowning at her redness.

"I'm a little hot—that's all." She said, tugging away her thick red scarf and letting it fall to the dirty floor. "It's below freezing, Claire! You must be sick or something." Was Jeffrey gay? All he ever wanted to do was care for Claire instead of trying to get into her pants like Sirius and any other NORMAL fucking boyfriend.

Janie frowned, still staring at that fat stain on Claire's amazing, 400 dollar sweater she got last Christmas. Thanks for nothing, Daddy! Did Janie want to _lick_ it off herself? Claire was in no mood to deal with stupid bitches like Minnie and Janie when they had nothing better to do than stare at her jealously. That's what she assumed they were doing, anyway.

Actually, sweetheart, they're staring at the beautiful chick behind you who happened to whisk away your ex before you could even _attempt_ to get him back in your little canopy bed.

"I wish I was in Gryffindor, Sirius. That way I could hang out with you in those snazzy little common rooms and meet all your friends." Anna said, still chomping down those jelly beans she was going to throw up anyway.

"Excuse me." Anna said, rising from her seat and finding her way to the ladies room. She brushed passed Claire who wrinkled her nose in disgust, swearing under her breath because she was fabulous even up close and she smelled like the ocean which was Sirius's favorite place in the whole wide frigging world.

"Be right back, Snugglepuss." Claire chirped, just to humor the googly-eyed Jeffrey and laughed to herself as she followed Anna into the bathroom.

Anna paused before a sink, peering at herself in the mirror. She didn't like to think she was stunningly gorgeous, but she knew it anyway. She could even pull off wearing torn fishnet stockings, a wrinkled skirt, and a plain white blouse with a few buttons missing.

"Those fishnets are _so_ funky!" Claire exclaimed, bobbing her head around to the 80's music blasting in the small bathroom. Anna stared down at her ripped stockings and smirked wearily. "Thanks." She said harmlessly which, of course, made Claire hate her even more. She was too nice, Claire decided. She must have meant 'thanks' in a sarcastic way—like she was too good for Claire or something.

"So you're the new girl, right?" She asked, fluffing her hair in the back. "Yeah. Everyone's been so friendly." Claire mentally laughed. Not behind your back, darling!"Hogwarts is pretty much over all a friendly place to hang out," She said, nodding her head. "Except you should try to stay away from people like Sirius Black and his little group of friends. I mean, they're okay when you first meet them and I even dated Sirius for a while…" She paused, rolling up the sleeves of her ruined cashmere sweater.

"But he got abusive," She sniffled, exposing the angry red scar running across her arm that her cat, Lula had given her last month. "He seems harmless enough." Anna murmured slowly, running a finger over the scar. "I couldn't see him doing that to anyone." She said, frowning. Claire stared at the ceiling, as if she were trying hard to prevent tears. "Me either." She croaked miserably. "But he did and I'll never ever forget it." She hurried towards the door. "Excuse me." She said hoarsely and scrambled out of the bathroom dramatically.

**Hey Everyone!**

I so totally heard that somewhere in Hogsmead, posted on Darla's bulletin board outside her bakery, it had a huge column about that new girl, Anna Merichery. It said that she was a porn star back in the States and her mom could so ashamed when she found out that she sent her to live with her father in Italy where it was so okay to run around naked, right? Anyway, Anna is in quite a handful of surprises (literally!) when she decides to further her relationship with Sirius, only pissing of Claire some more.

Love always,

_the Hogwarts Gossiper _

**P.S.** You guys all want my column up in the H.H. Newspaper, right? So why don't you head over to that purplish/bluish box and review so I can scoop up some more harmless (ha ha) gossip about people (especially that new girl, Anna—she's too fucking perfect!) and fill you all in on the juicy stories. Of course, you'll always know second since no one can beat out me, the Hogwarts Gossip. You know you love me though—kisses.

Anyone want to be my editor? You'll get to see me gossips _early_... : ) Just leave me a note and I'll list my new editors in my next column.


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